Marriage = Equality 9-7-21

FROM 9-7-21

What does equality mean to you? 

When Jason and I got married I was only 18 years old; he was 23. He had been paying bills on his own, had his own vehicle that he paid insurance on, and was already saving for his big screen tv. I was coming from an abused household. Sometimes, even though the physical had stopped, the emotional and mental continued to happen. It was hard for me to find myself. Jason was used to doing the bill on his own and  he liked the house cleaned a certain way. Who was I to get in his way? Needless to say, over 24 years later, that was the biggest mistake of my life! I should have gotten in his way. I should have made him teach me how to do the finances, how to clean the way he did, or him be ok with how I cleaned. Because now, now we have two separate human beings who love each other, but also don't like each other. Well, to an extent. We both know our love is there, we both know we came from different backgrounds, but learning through the gospel is the only way to fix "us". When reading through chapter 4 of the book, "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, I found this quote by Elder B Wirthlin, "...it is time to work on a personal definition of equal that eschews both intimations of identity or hierarchy. One gender does not have greater eternal possibility than the other." I often thought, was I putting my husband above me? He does so much and is so important to our family, he is above us, he does things above us. But that's not what Heavenly Father wants. He wants equality in the home. For years I've been the scared, quiet, little girl in the corner afraid to come out in fear of being beaten for showing up (or more likely, "standing up"). Was I talking back to my husband or was I allowing him to be the patriarch of our home? Was I allowing him to be controlling or was I being the obedient wife? Wow. There is a lot for me to learn, and apparently, him too! My husband thought he was doing what was best for all of us! Taking it all on his shoulders to be the man of the house. But at the end of the day he was tired, he was bent, he was physically exhausted from taking care of us. And he couldn't allow us to see what it was doing to him. 

When continuing through this chapter I've learned a lot about partnerships and being equal. Being equal doesn't mean we both do the dishes every night. Being equal to me, means communicating with your spouse. Learn to know what works and what doesn't. If I hate to do the dishes, then maybe make an agreement with me, I'll load the dishwasher if you would unload it when it's done. It's working together that makes us equal. (This is just an example. I really don't mind doing the dishes...now.) 

To be continued...