Lead Me, Guide Me

    When we become parents our emotions end up all over the place, especially for women. We have so much love for these precious little humans, so much that we didn't even realize we could love someone that much. And, it continues for each child that we have. Just when we thought our love was already stretched with our spouse and our child, another child comes along and somehow we muscle up even more love then we thought our own bodies could handle. It's pretty amazing. But, now what? Unfortunately, our love isn't enough to keep them safe. We have to guide them in the right direction. As per my post right before this, I mentioned how little guidance we actually do.

    Leading our children doesn't have to be a difficult thing. We already love them. We can learn to guide them through love, patience, and compassion. 

    One thing I learned in this class is how important it is on how to talk to your child. How would you talk to your best friend? Your doctor's office? You mailman? Would you put them down and tell them they are doing it all wrong? No, you would talk with them politely. It is the same as for our children. This was something very hard for me to learn. My expectations were high for my children. But one thing I never did was teach them what they were supposed to know. For example, I remember getting angry with my family because they used one of my good kitchen towels to wipe up something off the floor. I was furious that they used a good towel! Why wouldn't they get a dirty towel and use that instead? Now, how would my family have known that without me telling them? They aren't mind readers. They don't know what my expectations are regarding kitchen towels. So, why was I so quick to shame them when I never told them what to do? I realized (too late) that I had done that with my kids often. No wonder they think they're not good enough. Oh, how I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would show my love for them in so many different ways. 

   
I read an excerpt in this book titled "Between Parent and Child" by Haim G. Ginott so very valuable lessons I'd like to share with you. In this particular spot in the book it says, "It's possible to be caring and effective with children." If only I had known that while my children were young. The author gives us some applications on how to be effective and caring when parenting:

"The beginning of wisdom is listening."

    Listening to our children with empathy will help us understand their feelings. We can listen to their point of views, their concerns, what they are experiencing, etc. If we listen with an open heart we will open the line of communication between us and our child. This also means having an open heart when they are discussing things that aren't so great to hear.
    One time our family sat down and visited about open communication. We asked the kids to try and talk to us because we want to be able to help them. We had open hearts at the time. Of course, our kids did not fool around because we were then told that one was in a fender-bender, one broke up with their boyfriend, and the other had already had her first kiss. It was definitely a family talk we will never forget. J and I also expressed our appreciation for them talking to us. 

"Do no deny your child's perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not deride his taste, do not denigrate his opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience. Instead, acknowledge."   

    Acknowledging your child makes them feel validated. Their feelings matter. They feel respected and accepted. Acknowledging your child doesn't necessarily mean you agree with them, it does mean you value your child's opinion.  

"Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution." 

    When noticing something, guide them instead of putting them down. "You're cold? Who's fault is that! You weren't being very smart, were you?" Maybe next time something like, "I asked you to bring your coat, let's try being a better listener so we can solve these problems together." And don't forget to praise her for when she does bring her coat when you ask. 

"When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun I: I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm furious, I'm indignant, I'm aghast."  

    Instead of attacking your child, express your feelings. Inform them of what is correct. Let them know what is right and what is wrong. If you are too angry to do so, send them to a time-out. If they are too old and has issues with going to their room, take a time out yourself!  Excuse yourself before you act out in anger. 

"In praising, when you want to tell your children what you appreciate about them or their effort, describe the specific acts. Do not evaluate character traits." 

    Try not to use adjectives like, You did a good job, but instead describe what they actually did and how it will help you. "Thank you for helping with the kitchen. It will be so nice to be able to make dinner without a dirty kitchen to work around." 

"Learn to say "no" in a less hurtful way by granting in fantasy what you can't grant in reality."

    Toddlers don't understand the difference between a want and a need. When they are asking for something they need, let them know that if you could, you would get it for them. Tell them why you can't get it for them so they understand that you are thinking of their feelings. 

"Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives." 

    Giving the children choices allows them to feel independent. "The more autonomy, the less enmity; the more self-dependence, the
less resentment of the parent." When allowing your child to make their own choice, you child will believe that they matter to you. They will know that you care about what them. (Ginott, 1965)

    I'm thankful of this knowledge I gained while reading this little excerpt. Even though my children are all adults, I can still use these applications to strengthen my relationship with them. I hope they know that I tried my hardest to not do what I had learned growing up. I hope they know that I did what I thought was the best at the time. I hope they know the hurt I have inside for the things that I have since realized were not the best way to raise a child. 

    "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live." (The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 1995)

    I am thankful for being a mother. I am thankful for the opportunity Heavenly Father has given me to lead and guide them so they can live with Him again. I am thankful for my college courses for all the growth I have made learning so much.

Thank you for following me in my journey of learning, living, and loving what I do.

References

Ginott, H. G. (1965). Between Parent and Child. Three Rivers Press.

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1995, September 23). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Salt Lake City, Utah, United States of America: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.