The Deepest Foundation - You

    I am so close to graduation I can almost feel it. The past few years have been amazing in growth learning all these things about childhood, parenting, marriage, families, education and growth mind frames. I'd like to share a few things that I have learned this semester regarding parenting. You see, I didn't have the greatest example growing up. As hard as I tried, there were some things that were ingrained in my mind that I never realized until after the fact. I will say, I had the power to stop the physical abuse. However, mentally I wasn't fully prepared. I learned that to be able to take care of a family you need to be able to take care of yourself first. I thought I was enough to become a mother, but there was so much more that I needed to learn, needed to live by, and needed to grow before I become a mother. 

Elder Marion G. Romney said, "Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the need cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak." (Romney, 1982, emphasis added)

    We read an excerpt from the article titled, "The Parenting Pyramid" about the effectiveness of parenting and what we can do to help us be the best parent we can be. There is a foundation of the most deepest parenting skills we need. Each one is just as important as the one below it. However, if we can't succeed in the one below, then we shouldn't try for the one on top. Here is what I mean by that. 

    The very top of the pyramid has "correction." We believe that we are to correct our children so they learn how to make the right choices. However, according to the article, correction is the smallest part of parenting. (After reading through the article, I completely agree!) I mean, we are supposed to help correct them, but "the effectiveness of what we do here depends on our effectiveness in doing everything that lies below it." (The Arbinger Company, 1998) 

    The key to effective correction is effective teaching. Being able to teach our children right from wrong is something everyone should want to do for their children. But, did you know there is a right way and a wrong way to teach this? Let me tell you, from experience (on both sides), there is! I'm sure many parents try their best to do it the right way. I know I did it wrong even though I tried not to. This is one thing that was ingrained in my head that I never realized how it was coming across. My heart aches for my children, knowing this was how I taught them. It's hard to think about this sometimes because of the hurt I know I caused them, even to this day. 

    So, what can we do to becoming an effective teacher? We can have a good parent-to-child relationship. Wait, I thought I did have a good relationship with my children. I thought I was the loving type, enough for my kids to know that I love and care about them. Apparently I didn't. I mean, I tried, I really truly tried! But again, that ingrained thing just kept happening without me even realizing it.

    If we want to have an effective parent-to-child relationship we must first have a good husband/wife relationship. Many marriages are not perfect. Even when they seem perfect, you never know what goes on behind doors. My marriage isn't perfect. But, we know our differences. We have been working together for years to fix our mistakes and become a team in our journey. Of course, our kids are practically all grown up (only one lives at home now, as a senior in high school but already an adult by legal age) but we are still working on our relationship. I do know that if you are not on the same page with your spouse, you won't necessarily have the relationship you would like with your child. You might have a great relationship with them, but what about your partner? Don't you think it's beneficial for your child to have a good relationship with both of you? 

    The very bottom of our pyramid consists of something that can help each and every one of the steps above. "The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation (The Arbinger Company, 1998)." This is a very big reason as to why my whole pyramid would fall. No matter how hard I tried to better my relationship with my husband, my kids, and my friends (I know that's not part of the topic but I'm adding it because it's just as important), it would never be great because of the way I feel about myself. I realized that I would put on a smile and show everyone what I thought they wanted from me. I did what was best for everyone else (or so I thought). I never once stepped back and thought about what was best for me. 

    Why? Why didn't I take care of myself? Why don't I still? This is something that has been very hard for me to accept. I am still looking to find answers as to why it is so difficult to love myself. I feel like I know why, I have many reasons, but I need to figure out how to CHANGE these feelings. What can I do to start loving myself again? Why do I need others to show me love before I can love myself? This is something that I will work on for the rest of my life. I am far from where I would like to be but, I know where to go when I am in need of help. Just recently I was talking with my sister about our emotions. There have been many of times where we have cried, trying to figure out ourselves, thinking that no one knows what we are going through. (Both her and I learned recently that we did this and both thought that we were the only ones doing this.) However, one thing my sister said that rang true in my heart, "There is always one person who knows how I am feeling. He knows our feelings. He felt it himself" …and every other pain we will ever feel. 

    I know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I know that He has felt everything I have ever felt, even loneliness. Why is it so hard for me to go to Him when I am struggling. In my mind, it is, again, because I have a hard time loving myself, how could anyone else do it? Don't get me wrong, I know that I am loved, that's not the thing. I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. One day, I will figure out why it is so hard to love and be loved, but for now, I am just working on being ok with me. 

To read more about The Parenting Pyramid click here. 

References

Romney, M. G. (1982). The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The Arbinger Company. (1998). The Parenting Pyramid. The Arbinger Company.