Validating Emotions

    Another thing we talked about in my course about parenting is emotions. I've been working the special education department for about seven years now. One thing we focus a lot on is how to express your emotions. Having them express it in an acceptable way is hard for them. Learning how to express your emotions is hard when you have learning disabilities, when you are young, and/or when you didn't have a great example of emotions in the first place. Little did I know, that validating your emotions is just as important as expressing them. 

   

    I've learned throughout my marriage that validating someone's feelings is really important for showing love and support. Allowing your children to talk about their feelings and know that it is safe to talk about is so good for your child's self-esteem. Being able to listen to their feelings doesn't allow them to be disrespectful though. Author William J. Doherty says when his child was talking disrespectful to him he immediately came back saying in a stern voice, "You don't get to ask me that questions, and particularly in that tone of voice." He made it very clear that they conversation was over and the child was done talking like that. 

    When teaching children how to be respectful, younger children are a bit easier than teenagers. When your three or four year old is demanding to get seconds on food, gently reminding him to ask nicely and say please is a simple reminder for them.

    Here are a few ideas on how you can still have expectations and be respected and still help your child learn how to express their feelings.     

    First, respect your child. Allow your children to express themselves in their own words. As long as they are talking respectfully, let them express. 

    Second, expect respect. Inform your children that respect is something that everyone should give to each other. Let them know disrespect is not allowed. Teach them to be polite and explain to them what rude means. 

    Third, explain your policy on respect to your children. Inform your children that respect is something that everyone should give to each other. Allow them to ask questions on examples of respect and what will not be accepted. 

    Fourth, listen for the respect/disrespect. Sometimes, the disrespect is there without them even realizing it. Make sure they understand that interrupting is not quite disrespectful but, "...raising your voice...lead(s) to attacking, intrusive, sarcastic, and mean words and tone..." which is a sign of disrespect. 

    Five, stop the disrespect right away. Once you hear it, let them know that what they said is disrespectful. 

    Six, use a special tone of voice when responding to disrespect. Let them know that they are pushing the line. 

    Seven, if the disrespect continues, use time-outs when children aren't cooperating after reminding them. Give them a warning that a time-out will be reinforced. If your child is older (teenager), just walk away instead of forcing a time-out. Ending the opportunity to continue the disrespect is key.

    Eight, always keep your cool, but be firm. Be assertive but calm, focused and clear. 

    Nine, continue your zero tolerance as long-term. Every time your child starts to be disrespectful, nip that in the bud before they make it a habit. It won't stop automatically but continue to cease any rudeness. 

    Ten, if the problems continue, maybe seeing a family therapist is in your future. Especially if you and your spouse can't agree on a parenting plan. (Doherty, 2013)

    

    Emotion coaching is something parents can do along with teachers. To me, emotion coaching is teaching your child/student that their emotions are real and validated. They have the right to feel the way they do. I'd like to give you an example of NOT growing up with someone who was able to do emotion coaching. In fact, it was someone who is very insecure in herself while trying to parent. Which is not the best start to mothering. 

    I must have been nine or ten, but I was crying in my bedroom. My sister came in my room and asked me why I was crying. I informed her it was because I thought mom hated me because of what I did. (I really don't even remember what it was about.) My sister then went to the bathroom where my mother was (which just happened to be right next to my room), and said to her, "She thinks you hate her now." My mom literally said, "Well, right now I do!" Again, I don't remember what caused this situation but, the saying itself was something that never left my mind. 

    I never want a child to feel like this. I believe that this is one of the reasons I want to become a teacher. I want them to know that if they don't have someone at home that cares for them, I do. I am there because I care! I have already told my students' this before. I want them to feel emotional stable someday. 

I'd like to close with a quote I read about kindness, it reminded me about what we are learning about in my parenting class,

Define Kindness: To many it means being "nice," "polite," or "respectful." While these are all admirable, real kindness goes much deeper. Kind people show genuine empathy and caring for people in need. Most important, they often give both their time and resources to help others. (Urban, 2022)

To read more about teaching and getting respect from your children, read here. 

References

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect. Retrieved from Catholic Education Resource Center: https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/marriage-and-family/parenting/take-back-your-kids-how-to-teach-and-get-respect.html

Urban, H. (2022). Hal's Good News Letter. Feeding Your Mind with What's Good for Your Heart. Retrieved from https://us7.campaign-archive.com/?u=0d13c16dd75df6532057762c4&id=3b8f0237b0