Validating Emotions

    Another thing we talked about in my course about parenting is emotions. I've been working the special education department for about seven years now. One thing we focus a lot on is how to express your emotions. Having them express it in an acceptable way is hard for them. Learning how to express your emotions is hard when you have learning disabilities, when you are young, and/or when you didn't have a great example of emotions in the first place. Little did I know, that validating your emotions is just as important as expressing them. 

   

    I've learned throughout my marriage that validating someone's feelings is really important for showing love and support. Allowing your children to talk about their feelings and know that it is safe to talk about is so good for your child's self-esteem. Being able to listen to their feelings doesn't allow them to be disrespectful though. Author William J. Doherty says when his child was talking disrespectful to him he immediately came back saying in a stern voice, "You don't get to ask me that questions, and particularly in that tone of voice." He made it very clear that they conversation was over and the child was done talking like that. 

    When teaching children how to be respectful, younger children are a bit easier than teenagers. When your three or four year old is demanding to get seconds on food, gently reminding him to ask nicely and say please is a simple reminder for them.

    Here are a few ideas on how you can still have expectations and be respected and still help your child learn how to express their feelings.     

    First, respect your child. Allow your children to express themselves in their own words. As long as they are talking respectfully, let them express. 

    Second, expect respect. Inform your children that respect is something that everyone should give to each other. Let them know disrespect is not allowed. Teach them to be polite and explain to them what rude means. 

    Third, explain your policy on respect to your children. Inform your children that respect is something that everyone should give to each other. Allow them to ask questions on examples of respect and what will not be accepted. 

    Fourth, listen for the respect/disrespect. Sometimes, the disrespect is there without them even realizing it. Make sure they understand that interrupting is not quite disrespectful but, "...raising your voice...lead(s) to attacking, intrusive, sarcastic, and mean words and tone..." which is a sign of disrespect. 

    Five, stop the disrespect right away. Once you hear it, let them know that what they said is disrespectful. 

    Six, use a special tone of voice when responding to disrespect. Let them know that they are pushing the line. 

    Seven, if the disrespect continues, use time-outs when children aren't cooperating after reminding them. Give them a warning that a time-out will be reinforced. If your child is older (teenager), just walk away instead of forcing a time-out. Ending the opportunity to continue the disrespect is key.

    Eight, always keep your cool, but be firm. Be assertive but calm, focused and clear. 

    Nine, continue your zero tolerance as long-term. Every time your child starts to be disrespectful, nip that in the bud before they make it a habit. It won't stop automatically but continue to cease any rudeness. 

    Ten, if the problems continue, maybe seeing a family therapist is in your future. Especially if you and your spouse can't agree on a parenting plan. (Doherty, 2013)

    

    Emotion coaching is something parents can do along with teachers. To me, emotion coaching is teaching your child/student that their emotions are real and validated. They have the right to feel the way they do. I'd like to give you an example of NOT growing up with someone who was able to do emotion coaching. In fact, it was someone who is very insecure in herself while trying to parent. Which is not the best start to mothering. 

    I must have been nine or ten, but I was crying in my bedroom. My sister came in my room and asked me why I was crying. I informed her it was because I thought mom hated me because of what I did. (I really don't even remember what it was about.) My sister then went to the bathroom where my mother was (which just happened to be right next to my room), and said to her, "She thinks you hate her now." My mom literally said, "Well, right now I do!" Again, I don't remember what caused this situation but, the saying itself was something that never left my mind. 

    I never want a child to feel like this. I believe that this is one of the reasons I want to become a teacher. I want them to know that if they don't have someone at home that cares for them, I do. I am there because I care! I have already told my students' this before. I want them to feel emotional stable someday. 

I'd like to close with a quote I read about kindness, it reminded me about what we are learning about in my parenting class,

Define Kindness: To many it means being "nice," "polite," or "respectful." While these are all admirable, real kindness goes much deeper. Kind people show genuine empathy and caring for people in need. Most important, they often give both their time and resources to help others. (Urban, 2022)

To read more about teaching and getting respect from your children, read here. 

References

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect. Retrieved from Catholic Education Resource Center: https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/marriage-and-family/parenting/take-back-your-kids-how-to-teach-and-get-respect.html

Urban, H. (2022). Hal's Good News Letter. Feeding Your Mind with What's Good for Your Heart. Retrieved from https://us7.campaign-archive.com/?u=0d13c16dd75df6532057762c4&id=3b8f0237b0

 

    

The Deepest Foundation - You

    I am so close to graduation I can almost feel it. The past few years have been amazing in growth learning all these things about childhood, parenting, marriage, families, education and growth mind frames. I'd like to share a few things that I have learned this semester regarding parenting. You see, I didn't have the greatest example growing up. As hard as I tried, there were some things that were ingrained in my mind that I never realized until after the fact. I will say, I had the power to stop the physical abuse. However, mentally I wasn't fully prepared. I learned that to be able to take care of a family you need to be able to take care of yourself first. I thought I was enough to become a mother, but there was so much more that I needed to learn, needed to live by, and needed to grow before I become a mother. 

Elder Marion G. Romney said, "Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the need cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak." (Romney, 1982, emphasis added)

    We read an excerpt from the article titled, "The Parenting Pyramid" about the effectiveness of parenting and what we can do to help us be the best parent we can be. There is a foundation of the most deepest parenting skills we need. Each one is just as important as the one below it. However, if we can't succeed in the one below, then we shouldn't try for the one on top. Here is what I mean by that. 

    The very top of the pyramid has "correction." We believe that we are to correct our children so they learn how to make the right choices. However, according to the article, correction is the smallest part of parenting. (After reading through the article, I completely agree!) I mean, we are supposed to help correct them, but "the effectiveness of what we do here depends on our effectiveness in doing everything that lies below it." (The Arbinger Company, 1998) 

    The key to effective correction is effective teaching. Being able to teach our children right from wrong is something everyone should want to do for their children. But, did you know there is a right way and a wrong way to teach this? Let me tell you, from experience (on both sides), there is! I'm sure many parents try their best to do it the right way. I know I did it wrong even though I tried not to. This is one thing that was ingrained in my head that I never realized how it was coming across. My heart aches for my children, knowing this was how I taught them. It's hard to think about this sometimes because of the hurt I know I caused them, even to this day. 

    So, what can we do to becoming an effective teacher? We can have a good parent-to-child relationship. Wait, I thought I did have a good relationship with my children. I thought I was the loving type, enough for my kids to know that I love and care about them. Apparently I didn't. I mean, I tried, I really truly tried! But again, that ingrained thing just kept happening without me even realizing it.

    If we want to have an effective parent-to-child relationship we must first have a good husband/wife relationship. Many marriages are not perfect. Even when they seem perfect, you never know what goes on behind doors. My marriage isn't perfect. But, we know our differences. We have been working together for years to fix our mistakes and become a team in our journey. Of course, our kids are practically all grown up (only one lives at home now, as a senior in high school but already an adult by legal age) but we are still working on our relationship. I do know that if you are not on the same page with your spouse, you won't necessarily have the relationship you would like with your child. You might have a great relationship with them, but what about your partner? Don't you think it's beneficial for your child to have a good relationship with both of you? 

    The very bottom of our pyramid consists of something that can help each and every one of the steps above. "The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation (The Arbinger Company, 1998)." This is a very big reason as to why my whole pyramid would fall. No matter how hard I tried to better my relationship with my husband, my kids, and my friends (I know that's not part of the topic but I'm adding it because it's just as important), it would never be great because of the way I feel about myself. I realized that I would put on a smile and show everyone what I thought they wanted from me. I did what was best for everyone else (or so I thought). I never once stepped back and thought about what was best for me. 

    Why? Why didn't I take care of myself? Why don't I still? This is something that has been very hard for me to accept. I am still looking to find answers as to why it is so difficult to love myself. I feel like I know why, I have many reasons, but I need to figure out how to CHANGE these feelings. What can I do to start loving myself again? Why do I need others to show me love before I can love myself? This is something that I will work on for the rest of my life. I am far from where I would like to be but, I know where to go when I am in need of help. Just recently I was talking with my sister about our emotions. There have been many of times where we have cried, trying to figure out ourselves, thinking that no one knows what we are going through. (Both her and I learned recently that we did this and both thought that we were the only ones doing this.) However, one thing my sister said that rang true in my heart, "There is always one person who knows how I am feeling. He knows our feelings. He felt it himself" …and every other pain we will ever feel. 

    I know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I know that He has felt everything I have ever felt, even loneliness. Why is it so hard for me to go to Him when I am struggling. In my mind, it is, again, because I have a hard time loving myself, how could anyone else do it? Don't get me wrong, I know that I am loved, that's not the thing. I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. One day, I will figure out why it is so hard to love and be loved, but for now, I am just working on being ok with me. 

To read more about The Parenting Pyramid click here. 

References

Romney, M. G. (1982). The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The Arbinger Company. (1998). The Parenting Pyramid. The Arbinger Company.

 

Where has the time gone?

It’s been over a year since I last posted. What a year. Here’s an update.
DJ has been working at a wholesale glass company since he’s been out of school. He really enjoys the job and the people he works with. He turned in his mission papers and we are all trying to wait patiently for his call. He’s been serving in the Elders Quorum presidency in the young adult branch of our church and loves it. I love how he is just like me and is a people person. He is amazing. He can light up any room with his amazing spirit. He’s so friendly and loves everyone. I can’t wait to see what Heavely Father has in store for him. He is going to do great things.
Karlee is a senior this year! She is getting smarter and smarter every day. She started the Running Start program last year and will finish this year with an AA. She decided to do full time college so is rarely at her high school. I love how much she loves to learn. Sometimes she is to smart for her own good! 😋 She still loves her makeup and gets complimented on it all the time. Last year while working, she saved up enough money to buy herself a camera. She has already done a few jobs for people (senior pictures mostly) and of course is amazing at it. I wish she could see all the beautiful things about her that her father and I see within her. She is going to be such a strong beautiful person once she figures out just what she can do!
Ashlee is in 8th grade this year and we decided to bring her out to the district that I work at. She loves  the junior high. She already made great friendships there and it’s only been a week since school started! (That’s one of the reasons why I love our church! She already knew so many wonderful girls from girls camp.) She is excited to start volleyball at her new school next week. Her birthday is on Labor Day this year and she’s getting excited for her first stake dance on September 8th (happy birthday Mariana!). She’s really improved on her hair skills and is literally the braid queen! I love seeing her experiment with her hair and come up with beautiful designs! She has her heart set on going to a cosmetology school in Utah to become a hairdresser. Whatever she does, she will do great things. On a side note, we painted her room this summer. She wanted white on the top half and black on the bottom half. I had to paint over my favorite paint job in the girls’ room, purple with stripes of pink, green, blue and yellow. Oh how I’ll miss those colors. But as I see right before me, they do grow up, and way to fast.
Jason is doing amazing as usual. He has still kept his weight off and works hard at eating right. He continues to cycle every day that he can. Sometimes he is out bicycling for hours! I love that mans motivation. He is such an inspiration to me. He is still at the managerial job at the wholesale corporation that most people love. He continues to work hard and is noticed for his dedication by his managers. They treat him right and he deserves it. We have been blessed through his job and know that our Heavenly Father has looked out for us there.
As for me, I am loving my job(s) and couldn’t be happier. This year I’ve been moved to a different school to help in the DLC classroom (special needs class). I have an amazing teacher with just as equally an amazing parapro that I get to work along side with. We’ll call them T and L. T is our teacher and is so amazing! She is such a great teacher! She has already done wonders for those kids when she walked in halfway through the year last year. It’s amazing what a teacher can do when they know what they’re doing. And she definitely does! I absolutely love working for her. L is the same age as DJ (in fact went to elementary school together) and is one of the most mature teenagers I have ever met. She is amazing with the kids and knows just what they need. Working with these two gals is such a blessing! They make work fun and we laugh all the time. (Not at the kids of course, but at ourselves!) School barely started this last Tuesday but we’ve been in trainings the two weeks leading up to the first day. It was good to start getting back on a schedule but boy, that first week was still rough! I think all three of us had mentioned at one point that we were in bed by 8:30 one day last week! Summer fun is just to hard to lose you know! Speaking of summer, my “second” job has been a need I never knew. I’ve been teaching Aqua Zumba for a year now and absolutely love it! During the summer I would teach twice as much, two times in the indoor pool and two times at the outside pool. I love making people feel good about themselves after a good work out! Now that school is back in session I had to drop the two morning classes and stick with the evening classes. I’ve added a third evening class though so hopefully people can still get a good week of exercise. Our town has finally agreed to a new aquatic center so I’m excited to see when and how that place will be once opened! Karlee and I have something in common this year. We will both get our AA! I am so excited to be going to school that I can’t even stand it. I’ve been plugging along and will continue my two classes per semester and will finish with an AA at the end of this school year. I can’t hardly believe it! I’m so excited! This has been something I’ve wanted for years. To go to school and get a degree has always been a distant dream for me. I am so thankful for the Pathway program and where it’s led me. BYU-I will start in two more weeks and I am itching at the chance to start this new year. I believe it will be harder this year with me teaching three Aqua Zumba classes but that will only make me persevere more then ever. I can do this, I will do this! Bring on the 2018-2019 school year!
Our family took our annual Utah trip this summer and took our regular Christus Statue picture. We were also able to do some really fun things that were on my bucket list. (Well, last year was one thing I crossed off, this year is another.) Last year DJ and I swam with stingrays and sharks. I love stingrays. They are by far my favorite water animal! They love to be touched! They literally want you to pet them. They would swim up to my hands so I could pet them. I love those things!
This year we were able to go zip-lining! We went over the largest zip-line over water and the third largest zip-line in America. It was unbelievable! Such a thrill! We went to Lagoon for the first time as a family (plus one) and had some fun. Although, I got sick 🤢 on a ride and had to lay down 😴 for half the day. The day was still great getting to spend it with the family. We can’t wait to see what next years trip will bring us.
Thanks for reading!
With love always,
Nini V.

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy. Life has been complicated. I am sure there will be more events that take place that will strengthen our family but I hope none like this again.

Now is the time where graduation is coming up and summer vacation begins. It is supposed to be a happy time. Unfortunately, there's mainly stress at my house, and hurt, frustration, anger, sadness and anything else I can't think of at the moment.

My son is a strong human being. He has been the family's rock through it all. Even when it has been the worst for him. When we finally got the phone call from him, his response to a barrage of questions was, "I'm good!" Literally, like he was doing just fine. Never mind where he was calling from. That kid is my idol. I wish I could have that much confidence at such a trying time. His next two sentences calmed my aching heart and mind. And also filled me with pride, so much that I knew I had done something right as his mother. He said, "I've prayed a lot and I know everything is going to be OK. The truth will come out." What a rock he is. I'm so thankful for the faith that he has.

My daughters struggle so much with this. How can I be there for them and be strong for them when I am aching inside just as they are? How can I be there for my oldest daughter when she has to walk the school hallways knowing she could see this person who has caused our family so much pain? I know it's been hard for her and my admiration for her has grown so much because of what she has to deal with everyday. I can't even imagine what it would be like to see this person daily.

My youngest daughter has such a caring heart, it's hard for her to see how anyone can hurt someone like this at all. How her heart aches everyday hurts me even more. I can see it in her eyes. The love she has for her brother is amazing. She is our family angel. She reminds us to be loving and caring when we are all down. She is so strong for only being 12, going through this difficult time.

My better half. What can I say? He is amazing. He is strong, loving, caring and supportive at this time of need. I can't even remember if I've seen him cry out loud because of the pain in our hearts. He's cried of joy when we first talked to our son. He cried of joy when we picked him up that awful Monday night. Yet, he's never cried of sorrow, or pain, or hurt like all the other females in the house. He has been our solid while we became the river of tears. How he stays strong through it all, I have no idea. I just know I love him and I'm thankful Heavenly Father sent him to earth to care for me. He is my better half, except more. He does so much for our family, and me.

I wouldn't be able to write anything if I couldn't write about her. The one that has caused our family so much heartache. My heart is torn. You brought out the mama bear in me when you hurt my son. You took my Mother's Day away from me. You took Prom away from my son, the only school dance he's ever wanted to go to! You might even take graduation away from him. But when I think about you, I feel empty and sad inside. I want to run to you and hug you. I want to take all the hurt and pain away from you, that makes you need to lie. I remember being that teenage girl. Feeling like I need to lie to get any attention to me. I yearned for attention that I would make up lies so people would think of me. Whether they felt sorry for me or proud of me, it didn't matter. They were finally looking at me. You remind me so much of me. I wish I could hold you and be that shoulder to cry on and let you know that lying doesn't do anything for you, except make you feel worse. Be the strong person that you are and tell the truth. Even if it's not what other's want to hear. You will be the better person for telling the truth. I've learned that the hard way too. Lying never got me anywhere. Because in the long run, it only hurt myself. You deserve more than that. You deserve to live a happy life, just as my son does.

But thanks to you, now both of you are scarred for life.

To the mother of this person. I get it. I would be doing the same thing you are if my daughter told me what your daughter said. Not once would I even think about her lying to me. My heart aches for you as well. Why wouldn't you be doing what you are doing. You too are a mama bear trying to protect your child. I get it. Parenting is not easy. We want what's best for our children. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, I get it. I would feel the same way you do. Like someone violated my daughter. But can you truly believe my son did this? You know him. You said so yourself, you would fight for him, not against him, if we ever went to court. You know the type of person he is. You know deep down that he is incapable of this preposterous action. Could you maybe take a step back and think that maybe your daughter could be lying? It's hard for me to believe too, but I was a teenager before too. I imagine you too, can remember what's its like being a teen. Is there a chance she could be lying?

I'm not sure what will happen now. I'm not sure if you will keep your daughter at the school. We're not sure if we will keep our girls at the school. We both are fed up with the way the school is taking it. You said it shouldn't have happened like this. We completely agree. You said they told you he could go back to school. They told us he won't be able to walk with his class. What do we do now? Your daughter is uncomfortable at school. Our daughter is uncomfortable at school. Our favorite teacher is now suspended. Is there anything we can do? What's said is said and what's done is done. There's no way to change it. Or is there? One thing could be said that would change it all. Maybe not back to the way it was, but to a better future for those that were hurt. "Let me tell you truth." That's all that needs to be said. The truth. Can you ask your daughter that? Will she have the courage to stand up for herself and tell the truth? Admit that it was all a lie so the teacher could go back to school, so my son could graduate with his class, so people at school don't feel uncomfortable around our families?

The ball is in your court. We've done all that we could. Just like my son said, we too have prayed and will continue to pray for you and your daughter; that the truth will come out and he shall be free.

Like I said, this is supposed to be a happy time. When graduation comes along and we are excited to see what is in the future for our amazing talented son. But just like Mother's Day, Prom, School and even the drama club, you've ruined that for us too.

The book of Ether, Lessons we learn through Struggles

This week we studied the book of Ether in the Book of Mormon. I realized that this is the third witness for us to learn about through the scriptures. We first learn about the Israelites in the Bible, then the Nephites in the Book of Mormon and then the Jaredites in the last part of the Book of Mormon. I believe the saying goes something like, "It comes in three's". Right? Please correct me if I'm wrong. We know that the Book of Mormon has three witnesses to it. Something big happens with the number 3! That is why I have three kids! lol Just kidding.
    These scriptures are one of my favorites. Can you imagine seeing God's finger reach out and touch a rock right in front of you? What would you do? The brother of Jared had so much faith that he was able to see Jesus's finger. He then was able to converse with the Lord and learned so much! So much that we aren't even ready to hear it all! It was written for us to see. But Heavenly Father told Moroni that we are not ready for it yet. It is sealed up and hidden. When will we be able to see it? Read it? When Heavenly Father believes we will be ready. Am I going to look high and low for it? Look for signs to lead me to it? Or wait and live righteously while I prove my obedience until He reveals it to me? I know that having faith is not always knowing all the answers. It's not always given to us when we ask either. There are times that Heavenly Father will have us try and figure it out on our own, and times where we will have to learn as we go because He knows we can do it. There will be times where we are getting thrashed at sea with waves splashing all around us, but as we live faithfully and righteously, we will walk on dry land, and live to see Jesus Christ's hand in our lives. We will see His finger when we need it. Maybe not physically, but we will know when it is there.


      I've had a hard time this week with personal family issues. It has brought me down a few times. But then I saw a video in my class that literally brought me to tears. It was like the lesson knew what I was going through. Whoever put this lesson together knew that this week, in my home, would be a tough one. I'm still looking for that hidden camera in my home. ;)

So let's watch this video:

Mountains to Climb

Everyone in their lives at one point or another has a trial that they need to overcome. Knowing that we are not alone in this endeavor has always helped me along the way. I don't have to go through this alone. Even though there may not be someone I know who is going through the same thing as me, I know that there is someone who knows how I feel. And this weekend I get to celebrate Him and appreciate the things He went through so that I can learn to let the hurt feelings go. I know my Heavenly Father lives. And loves us for who we are. I know that Jesus Christ lives and wants us to be happy. He died so that we can make our own choices. So that we can repent when we do wrong and be eternally grateful for the things we do right. I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ so much. I will live my life daily in obedience to their words and guidance so that I can live with them again.

Much love,
Nini V.

Listening to Learn

Hello friends. Yes, I am here again. I already spoke about the blessings of tithing in my last post. It is amazing how wonderful tithing can be. Now I want to talk about some other things I learned this week from my studies. I love President Russell M. Nelson. Sometimes he just says things that make sense you know? He started out with one of his talks saying we learn to listen and we listen to learn. President J. Reuben Clark said, "We do not lack a prophet, what we lack is a listening ear." When we are wise, we can learn and grow from our church leaders.
We need to uplift ourselves to a better ground. How would you act if Jesus Christ was here on the earth today? Elder James M. Paramore spoke of a story related to him from someone he knew who had once struggled in the church. He said, "...because I wasn't living a righteous life, I looked down my nose at others. When you lose the spirit of the Lord you don't judge properly. You look to judge negatively and you find fault. Then you rationalize why you act that way."
We are to become like Jesus. When we be, we do. When we do, we become. In the scriptures it says Ye know the things that which ye do. Are we doing what we want to become? Jesus Christ said, "Even as I am." We are to be like him and take upon us His name, and his nature! If we all became like Jesus Christ and helped serve others, wouldn't this be a wonderful place to live in? I will do my best to become like Jesus. I will do and I will be. What are you becoming? 

Seriously love being faithful!

I love this gospel. It has guided me through the toughest paths yet opened up new pathways 😉 too. My recent blessing? It's amazing. My co-worker asked if we wanted her mini loft beds. Jason and I talked about it but didn't really decide on it. Well, she called me today saying goodwill won't take them so will I? We did. Karlee has been using a hide-a-bed couch in her room for a bed. So we put that back into the tv room ("Brave's Room") and then moved Ashlee's bed into Karlee's room. We immediately looked on Craigslist and there was a very nice memory foam twin for $50. Jason went and looked at it and it was very clean. So we got it. The girls like their new beds, but we still had another loft bed. Well, we listed it on Craigslist for $75 and will take $50 for it. Which means, you guessed it, we just got a new bed set for Ashlee for zero dollars!!! If there is anything I can learn from this is, I know my Heavenly Father is looking out for me! And of course, tithing works!!!!! I love this gospel! 

And yes! That IS President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on her wall! And forgive me for clearly being lazy and not getting her some new curtains for like 7 years now! She hates those Dora curtains!!! Lol